Throw Away
by salianne
Summary: Nick makes the wrong choice. This is Greg/Nick SLASH and contains m/m sexual situations. Don't read if you don't like Slash. It's based on the events of Fannysmackin with some variation.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

"I've missed you so much!" Greg said through quick breaths and passionate kisses after throwing himself in Nick's arms before he could even close the door.

Nick slammed the door of Greg's apartment closed with his foot as he wrapped his arms around his lover, giving in to the passion and heat. Nick knew he needed to talk to Greg, he had to tell him about Texas, but more than that he needed to feel Greg - ALL of him - and he needed that more than he needed air at the moment.

Greg pulled Nick down the hallway toward his bedroom by the collar, pulling off Nick's shirt as soon as they entered the room and before pushing Nick onto the bed. Greg stood next to the bed, looking down at his boyfriend, admiring the firm lines of his bare torso. Greg slowly removed his clothes.

"You need to get naked - now - Tex." Greg growled.

Nick's cock felt harder than he could ever remember it feeling, springing to life at the sound of Greg's lust. Nick freed himself of his jeans and boxers and pulled Greg on top of him.

Nick pulled Greg into a kiss that told Greg that Nick missed him too. Their hips began to grind together.

"God - Nick - you feel so good. I've missed you so fucking much!" Greg said as he lunged to taste the skin of Nick's neck. "I was so worried when you didn't call (kiss) and I am so mad at you for not calling for two weeks (kiss) but I'll yell at you later. Right now (kiss) I just want to kiss you (kiss) and suck you (kiss) and fuck you."

"Mmmmm." Nick groaned, unable to form words as Greg's tongue lingered on Nick's nipples.

Greg smiled on Nick's skin, feeling satisfied that he had left his lover speechless. Greg continued his lingual journey of Nick's body until he had Nick's cock in his mouth, sucking and licking and tickling until Nick came. Greg heard his name mixed with words being screamed in the language of Nick's orgasm. Greg eagerly swallowed every bit of Nick's orgasm before lunging to Nick's lips once again.

"You taste so fucking good, Nicky. I love you so much."

"I love you, Greg,(kiss) so much. I missed you so much (kiss) missed this so fucking much. Greg, I need to feel you (kiss) I need to feel all of you (kiss) inside. Please (kiss) Greg, please fill me up. Fuck me (kiss) please (kiss) need it (kiss) need you (kiss) so much." Nick's voice shook.

Greg could hear the emotion in Nick's voice, could feel Nick's body shaking. "Oh, baby, you DID miss me - didn't you? Nicky - I love you so much. I'm right here baby."

"Fuck me." Nick said - full of determination - eyes burning with lust and need as he looked into Greg's eyes.

Greg reached for the drawer next to the bed, searching for a condom and lube.

"No." Nick grabbed the condom from Greg. "I want to feel you - ALL of you."

Greg stared into Nick's eyes - trying to read him. They have never fucked without protection and Greg wasn't sure how comfortable he was with the notion. He saw such need in Nicks eyes - he saw something else too. Some emotion he had never seen in Nick's eyes before - and it was impossible to read.

Greg wanted to fill that need - he wanted to answer Nick's silent plea - that unknown raw emotion that came through in his eyes. Greg began to prepare his lover with his fingers.

"Now Greg, please, inside." Nick gasped as he pulled Greg's hands away and meshed their fingers together as he adjusted his body to allow Greg access. "Now, Greg."

Greg could feel his cock brushing against Nick's ass. Suddenly, he felt Nick's other hand grab his hard - very hard - cock and push it into his tight body. Greg slowly pushed himself into Nick, being careful not to go too fast, especially since he did not take the time to stretch him. Nick couldn't wait - he pushed himself into Greg until Greg's cock was completely inside of him. Nick bit Greg's shoulder - hard. Greg screamed. Nick clenched his teeth harder. Greg could feel himself breathing faster, his body hot and wet from sweat. Greg buried his face in Nick's neck as Nick unclenched his teeth from Greg's shoulder.

"Fuck me, Babe - hard." Nick said - breathless - against Greg's ear. "HARDER"

Greg thrust himself into Nick. Nick met each stroke with his own, pushing himself and Greg further together. Greg felt himself going deeper into Nick than he ever had - though Nick had only allowed Greg to fuck him on two other occasions. Mostly Nick was the one fucking and Greg was the one gladly taking everything Nick had to give. Greg has never seen Nick like this - ever. Greg loved it. He could feel Nick's cock - hard again and dripping. Greg began to stroke Nick in perfect synchronicity.

As they came together - the most perfectly connected orgasm they have ever experienced - they both screamed "I love you."

Greg collapsed on top of Nick, panting and concentrating on getting is heart to beat normally. "Wow. (pant) Nicky. (pant) That was amazing. (pant) I'm not going to (pant) yell at you for not calling now. You've just earned a free pass." Greg chuckled into Nick's neck.

Greg recovered enough to move and started to pull himself off - and out - of Nick. Nick tightened his hold on Greg.

"No - don't - not yet." Nick felt himself begin to cry - his heart felt like it was literally breaking - ripping in two. "I love you. I love you. I love you. Baby, I love you so much. So, so much."

Greg could hear the pain in Nick's voice. "Nicky, baby, what's wrong." Greg tried to lift his head from Nick's neck so he could see his face, but Nick wouldn't let him.

"I love you." Nick whispered.

"I love you, too, baby." Greg tried to sound reassuring, not really understanding what was happening. "Miss me much, Nicky?"

Nick chuckled, rolled Greg off of him and pulled their bodies together, lying face to face on their sides. "I did. I missed you and I love you. I'll always love you, Greg - no matter what."

Nick touched Greg's face - very gently. To Greg it felt like Nick was mapping his face - taking a picture with his fingers. As Nick's fingers traced the lines of his face, neck, shoulders, and arms - Greg fell asleep. The last thought running through Greg's mind was how delicious it felt to feel Nick in his bed - content to have his world complete again.

~*~

Greg's alarm went off four hours later. He struggled to make sense of the noise as he slowly swam out of the sludge of his deep, orgasm induced sleep. Finally, the offending noise registered and Greg slammed his hand on the snooze button. He rolled over to snuggle into Nick and found nothing but a cold, empty bed. Greg blinked to adjust from being asleep to being awake and lifted his head off of the pillow to look around his room. He didn't see Nick - he didn't see any light from the bathroom or the hallway.

Greg got out of bed and walked to the bathroom - no Nick. Greg saw his reflection in the mirror and noticed the wound on his shoulder in the perfect shape of Nick's teeth. The oval shaped cuts in his flesh were puffy and bruised. Greg lightly touched the wound and it hurt. Greg was confused by Nick's behavior this morning. He was desperate, loving, and angry all at the same time. Greg took advantage of his proximity to the toilet before walking to the kitchen to start his coffee - if Nick hadn't already done it - and get his morning snuggle from his boyfriend.

Nick wasn't in the kitchen. He wasn't in the living room either. Greg went back into his bedroom and only then did he notice that Nick's clothes were gone. Nick had left while Greg was asleep.

"Hmmm - that's odd."

Greg figured Nick needed to take care of a few things at his place before work - he had been gone for two weeks after all. Greg picked up his cell phone to call his lover - feeling the need to at least say good morning - or evening depending on your work routine. It went straight to voice mail.

"Hey Baby! I wanted to give you a welcome home pre-work shower blow-job but you weren't here when I woke up. I miss you already - so plan on coming here after work. Tonight it's my turn, Tex! I love you - see you in a bit. Maybe we'll get assigned to the same case so I can stare at your ass all night."

Greg smirked as he hung up the phone.

~*~

Greg walked into the lab humming some country tune he listened to before he left his apartment - just to feel closer to Nick. He quickly put his duffle into his locker, putting on his field vest before heading to the break room for Grissom's briefing and assignments. As he passed Grissom's office he noticed Nick inside talking to Grissom - the door closed. Grissom saw Greg walk by and looked at him in an odd way. This caused Nick to turn around. Seeing his lover's eyes looking at him caused Greg to grin - he just couldn't stop until his smile felt bigger than his face. Nick just looked down, without returning the smile, and then turned back toward Grissom.

"See what I mean, Gris. He just won't stop. I mean - I really like the guy - consider him a good friend even - but I think I need to put some space between us until he gets over this crush he has on me. I mean - I've been very clear with him that I am straight as an arrow and he just won't stop with the mooning and flirting."

Grissom looked at Nick over the top of his glasses. "O.K. - Nick, but this is just temporary. I can't keep you assigned to different cases forever - we just don't have the staff for that kind of luxury. So you and Greg figure this out and figure it out fast. I'll speak to Greg as well."

"NO!" Nick realized immediately that he reacted a bit too strong. "I mean - this is kind of embarrassing - let me handle Greg. I don't want to humiliate him!"

"Fine, Nick. You have one week and then I'll be forced to step in to keep it from impacting the work - and the team."

"Thanks, Gris. I'll take care of it." Nick walked out of Grissom's office and toward the break room. He could feel his stomach twist inside of him as his heart leapt into his throat. He placed his hand on the door handle, took a deep breath, and opened the door to face the team - to face Greg.

"NICKY! You're back, man. I was starting to worry that we lost you to the tumble weeds, man!" Warrick said as he gave his friend a one arm, back-slapping hug.

"You know I have a two week threshold for Texas, Rick. But it's good to see you missed me." Nick smiled wide at his friend.

"You look like Hell, Nick. Did you just get in?" Catherine said in her usual straight-shooter style.

"Gee, love you too, Cath." Nick said as he gave her a warm, full-body hug.

Sara stayed seated, "How are your folks, Nick?"

"They are doing well, Sara. They both wanted me to send their love. You made quite an impression on them at the hospital a couple of years ago."

Sara smiled.

Nick looked at Greg, who was leaning against the counter near the coffee. Nick thought Greg looked so incredibly sexy and his heart tightened even more in his chest.

"Greg." Nick said with a nod.

"Hey, Nicky! Welcome back!" Greg stepped toward Nick to give him a manly hug - keeping their little secret while stealing a little body contact at the same time.

"Thanks, Greggo. Good to see you." Nick sat down quickly before Greg could embrace him.

Greg stopped - quickly leaning back on the counter - hoping no one noticed Nick's obvious brush-off. Greg felt very confused and a little hurt. He and Nick always enjoyed the secret surge that came from outwardly platonic touches at work. Greg stared at Nick, but Nick wouldn't make eye contact. Greg was starting to feel that something was very, very wrong with Nick.

Grissom walked into the break room with assignment sheets. Greg still watched Nick, waiting for him to look his way so he could see his eyes - try to find answers. Grissom noticed Greg staring at Nick and was not pleased.

"Greg. You and Sara go to the west end - B&E, possible kidnapping. Nick , you and Rick are with me - three DBs at the Luxor. Cath - you're in house tonight, looks like you still have a lot to process on the car from yesterday's suicide." Grissom turned and walked out.

As the team scrambled to their respective Denali's - Greg tried to catch up with Nick.

"Nick! Nicky, wait up man." Greg called out as he jogged toward Nick and Rick. Grissom looked up from the map he was studying as he waited for the guys. Nick saw the look on Grissom's face and knew he needed to show him something to keep Grissom from talking to Greg. He opened the passenger door of the Denali before turning toward Greg.

"Look - Greg - you need to just back off, man. It's just not gonna happen, dude." With that, Nick turned away from Greg and got into the Denali with Grissom, followed closely by a very confused Warrick.

Greg just stood, frozen, with his mouth hanging open in shock. His brain tried to compute the strange outburst from his boyfriend. He heard Grissom start the engine and watched as the SUV pulled away.

Nick looked into the side view mirror to see Greg - wanting to know he was O.K. - but all he saw was Greg looking shocked and a little bit devastated.

"What the fuck was that?" Warrick asked from the back seat.

"Greg has an infatuation to get under control." Grissom said simply.

"Gris! Man, that was between you and I! What the fuck?" Nick was infuriated with his supervisor's lack of discretion.

"What's going on with Greg?" Warrick asked.

"Shit!" Nick yelled.

"Come on, man. Cat's out the of the bag now - tell me." Warrick nudged Nick.

"It's nothing, Rick. Just a little crush - no big deal."

"What? Greg's gay? Hell - no! Man, that's just wrong. I mean - it's cool if he's a fag an all - but to hit on his straight friend - that's just fucking wrong!"

Nick was a little leery of Warrick's tone. He certainly didn't want to alienate Greg from his team - that wasn't the intention. Nick felt his world exploding around him.

"Rick - it's cool. It's all good - seriously. Greg and I are good. I'm just setting some boundaries - but Greg's a good guy - alright?"

"Whatever man."

The shift was long for everyone. Nick and Warrick were changing clothes as Greg walked into the locker room. Greg saw Nick and felt his gut clench.

"Hey, Nicky." Greg opened his locker, trying not to sound like he was on the verge of tears.

"Greg." Nick didn't look at Greg.

"Are you O.K., Nick? You seem off - did I do something to piss you off?" Greg turned to face his boyfriend.

"Back off, Greg. Seriously, man - leave him alone." Warrick pushed Greg into his locker hard enough to cause Greg's head to hit the metal door.

"Rick - stop it." Nick pulled Warrick's arm, pulling him away from Greg.

"Whatever, man. He better keep his hands to himself with me - I'm not as nice as you, Nick." Warrick pushed Greg into the locker again as he passed him to walk out of the locker room.

Greg looked at Nick, unable to stop the tears now. "Nick, what's going on? I don't understand this."

Nick looked at Greg - seeing the pain in his eyes - knowing that he caused it. "I gotta go, Greg. See you tonight...at work."

Greg watched Nick walk out of the locker room, stunned. He collapsed onto the bench, feeling himself fall apart. Catherine walked in and saw her young friend sobbing.

"Shit. Greg. What's wrong." She sat on the bench and pulled Greg into her arms.

Greg let her hold him, feeling his world spin out of control.

"Jesus, Greg. What's wrong?" Catherine stroked Greg's hair in a motherly way.

"I have no idea." Greg said through his sobs - and that was the truth.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Greg managed to get away from Catherine without explanation. He didn't know what the explanation was - but he didn't want to get into it because he didn't want to expose Nick at work. Nick had always been so careful to stay buried deep in the closet. No one knew about them - and no one knew about Nick. Greg had never been one to hide who he is - but he was willing to do it for Nick - he loved him that much. So - for almost two-years Greg and Nick lived a double life. Occasionally that caused Greg incredible heartache - he would have preferred to wear an "I love Nick Stokes" t-shirt everyday - but all it took to feel better was a kiss from Nick. Greg knew that mostly he was lucky to have Nick in his life - to have Nick loving him - so he could suck up a little secrecy until Nick was ready.

As soon as Greg was in his car he pulled out his phone and pushed speed-dial #1. It went immediately to voicemail. He hung up and dialed Nick's house - voice mail again. Greg left him a message.

"Nick - please, please call me. I don't know what's going on - but I need to talk to you. Please. You're scaring me. I love you, Nick."

Greg didn't sleep. He waited for his phone to ring, he listened for the door. He dialed Nick's cell phone a few times every hour, hoping Nick would finally answer. Nick didn't. Greg cried - a lot. Although he didn't understand why - he knew that he and Nick were over.

Greg dragged himself to work, dreading seeing Nick again. He finally stopped calling Nick a few hours before shift started. Greg just gave up. Greg saw Sara disappear into the locker room and felt a sliver of relief. At least he wouldn't be alone in there with Nick or Warrick.

"Hey Greggo!' Sara said.

"Sara." Greg tossed his bag into his locker and grabbed his vest.

"Greg - no offense, but you really look terrible." Sara sounded sincere.

"I know." Greg said simply and walked out.

As Greg walked past Grissom's office he heard his name.

"You need me?" He said to Grissom from his office door.

"Yes, Greg. Please come in and close the door." Grissom asked. "Have a seat, Greg."

"What's up? Greg asked.

"Greg, I take workplace harassment very seriously. In our line of work, we know how quickly it can turn deadly. Consider this your informal warning to back off. Nick has clearly indicated he is not interested - he's straight, Greg. I need you to stay clear of him, get this thing out of your system, and figure out how to work together." Grissom looked at Greg - no real emotion.

"What? Grissom - I'm not sure what you've been told - but I'm not harassing anyone - especially Nick." Greg felt his stomach lurching.

Grissom placed a cell phone on the desk in front of Greg. "That's Nick's cell phone. Tell me what you see in the call history."

"I don't need to look - I called him a lot today. I need to talk to him."

"Greg - there are 42 missed calls from you since you left this morning. That's technically stalking behavior." Grissom's tone remained calm and steady.

"O.K." Greg said - sounding defeated.

"O.K., what?" Grissom asked.

"Nick is safe. I won't talk to him. I won't call him. Fuck - I won't even look at him. O.K.? Little Nicky is safe from big, bad Greg." Greg got up and ran out of Grissom's office, went right for the bathroom, lunged to the first stall he could reach and threw up.

~*~

28 days. That's how long it had been since the last night Nick had been in Greg's bed. 28 days. Nick knew that is the average stay at a drug rehab - he wondered how long it would take to withdrawal from his addiction to Greg. Nick missed everything about him. His smell. His taste. The way it felt to be surrounded by him, to surround him. Greg was the only person he had ever met who could make him laugh so much. Greg was happiness. Greg was joy. Greg was love. Nick missed it all.

When Nick thought about how he had treated Greg - how he is still treating Greg - he feels his chest cave in - his heart feeling like it has an elephant sitting on it. Nick didn't even know how it all started - it wasn't like he had a plan. He fully intended on telling Greg the night he returned from Texas. But Greg was so happy to see him, and he was so fucking happy to see Greg. He needed to have one last night to feel him - all of him. Nick regretted that he didn't let Greg know it was the last time - maybe that would have helped Greg get some closure. After Greg fell asleep that night Nick snuck out - he couldn't face him. As he drove home he realized that he couldn't do it - he couldn't face Greg and tell him they were done. He couldn't admit to the best person he knows that he is too cowardly to stand by him - to stand by THEM.

Two weeks in Texas was enough to know that Nick had to make a choice - Greg or everything else in his life. His father made that very clear on Nick's second night home when he started the process of coming out to his parents. Nick planned on surprising Greg with the news - Greg deserved a boyfriend who wasn't ashamed. He sat across from his parents, and he will never forget it.

"You remember Greg? Greg Sanders, from the lab. You met him in the hospital after - after - when you came to see me in the hospital." Nick still couldn't talk about it.

"The skinny man - yeah I remember." His father said.

"Well, Greg and I are pretty close. He's gay and..."

"What? You're telling me that your little skinny friend is a fag? Jesus and Mary, Nick! What are you doing? No son of mine is going to have that sort of abomination in his life. It's sick, Pancho! Sick!"

Nick saw his father's face turn scarlet. "Cisco - he's a good guy. He took care of me after I got out of the hospital. He's one of my dearest friends." Nick tried to get his dad to soften.

"God - he touched you? Nicholas Stokes - you listen to me - no son of mine is going to associate with deviants. Do you want people like him to be around your children. You'll have children one day, son, and do you want to put them in the same room with a homosexual? After what happened to you I would think you would want to protect your children from pedophiles!"

Nick suddenly couldn't breathe. It took a moment to recover from the emotional bullet. "Dad, there is no connection between homosexuality and pedophilia. Please don't talk about what happened to me - by a straight female babysitter by the way. It's not fair to bring that up, Dad."

"A deviant is a deviant, Nick. This discussion is over." He father got up and walked out of the room.

That is when Nick's world started spinning out of control - fast. There was a dinner party the following night - one of his father's judge friends brought his daughter. Nick was irritated at the obvious attempts to get him interested in her. He couldn't wait for the two weeks to be over. He couldn't wait to be home with Greg, feeling safe and secure in his arms.

~*~

It had been 37 days, Greg was still having trouble sleeping and he had no appetite. Seeing Nick every day made it impossible to move on - not that he thought for a minute that 37 days would be enough time to even begin moving on. Greg closed his locker and saw Sara standing on the other side.

"Hey." Sara said with her usual disinterested tone.

"Hey." Greg said as he moved past her.

"Greg?" Sara grabbed his arm. "Are you O.K.?"

"Sure - I'm just tired." Greg said, trying to fake a smile.

"Are you going to Nick's?" Sara asked.

"What?" Greg looked confused.

"Nick's dinner party. Apparently his fiance is a gourmet chef, so it should be pretty spectacular." Sara opened her locker as she spoke, not seeing Greg's face loose all color.

"Fiance?" Greg asked.

"Yeah - Barb something - he met her in Texas last month. Seems to be moving a little fast if you ask me. She flew in last night and he wants us all to meet her. Didn't he tell you?"

"Um - I haven't really seen him lately, so I'm sure it slipped his mind. Excuse me, Sara." Greg power walked out of the locker room and made it to the toilet just in the nick of time.

He met Sara at Nick's after shift. As they walked toward the door, they were met by Warrick, Catherine, Grissom, and Brass. Brass rang the bell for the group and the door was opened by a small, blonde woman with perfectly applied make-up and a flawless casual Ann Taylor summer suit.

"Hi!! I am so happy you are all here. Please come in - Nick is outside mastering the grill - you know how boys are about the grill!?! I'm Barb." Barb seemed nervous.

She closed the door once everyone had shuffled into Nick's front room. "O.K. - Nick has talked about you all so much, let me see if I can guess who is who based on his vivid story-telling."

Barb started on the left and moved to the right until she had guessed everyone's identity. "Red hair, beautiful smile, non-nonsense and fiercely loyal - Catherine?"

"You got it!" Catherine smiled as she shook Barb's hand.

"O.K. - you have amazing green eyes, tell-it-like-it-is and always got Nick's back - Warrick?" Barb smiled.

"Wow - you're on a roll Barb." Warrick shook Barb's hand as she looked toward Grissom.

"You - distinguished, intelligent, fair and honest - Gil Grissom?" Barb's smile was radiant as she held out her hand to greet Grissom.

"Nice to meet you, Barb." Grissom said without much emotion.

"And you must be Jim Brass - tough guy with a big heart - am I right?"

"You are." Jim smiled.

"That means you are Sara - Nick speaks so highly of you and your steady determination." Barb sighed at her accomplishment.

"So - Sara - is this your boyfriend?" Barb looked at Greg.

"Um - no - this is Greg Sanders. He's a CSI on our team." Sara said with mild contempt.

"Oh! I'm sorry Greg. You must be new - Nick has never mentioned you." Barb looked apologetic as she held out her hand to greet Greg.

"Very nice to meet you Barb - not new - been there 7 years actually. But Nick and I aren't that close. Hell - most days he doesn't even remember my name...calls me Ted. It's sort of funny - don't you think?"

All eyes were on Greg - looking at him as if he had just lost his mind.

"So - Barb - fill us in on a few details. How did you and Nick meet?" Catherine tried to change the topic.

"Oh Catherine! It's such a whirlwind - really! My parents dragged me to a business dinner at Judge Stokes' house - he and my father are both on the bench together. The whole night the parents were being the opposite of subtle - trying to get Nick and I to connect. We both finally gave up fighting it and went on a date!! We spent nearly every second of the next 9 days together and two hours before his flight he asked me to marry him!! Can you believe it?" Barb looked around the room, eyes wide, grinning like a teenage cheerleader.

"Wow - um - that's certainly a whirlwind." Catherine said evenly.

Greg stood behind Sara, his face had lost all color and he could feel his bile rising in his throat. Nick burst through the back door with a platter full of meat. "We got steaks!"

"Perfect! Nick - let me just set a place for Greg and we can get everyone seated." Barb disappeared into the kitchen - leaving Nick with a gaping mouth at the back door as he looked at Greg.

Greg suddenly snapped out of his shock, "Um - Barb - that's O.K. - I don't plan on staying for dinner. It would be rather rude of me anyway - I wasn't invited after all. I just stopped by to meet the woman who stole Nick Stokes' heart."

Greg turned toward the door to make his escape.

"No, Greg - stay! We have plenty of food and plenty of room. Please stay. I'm sure it was an oversight that you weren't included. Nick said the whole team was coming - and you're part of the team!" Barb seemed sincere.

Greg turned to look at Barb. "That' very kind, Barb. And if I didn't already have a date I would love to stay. But - it was such a pleasure meeting you. I can see why Nick is smitten with you. I wish you both the best."

Greg walked out and closed the door. He ran to his car and leaned against the door, trying to steady his breathing and stop shaking. He could feel his eyes burning with hot tears. He closed his eyes and tipped his face toward the sky.

"Greg, wait up."

Greg heard Nick and opened his eyes. "Nick - please stay away from me. Just leave me alone."

"Are you O.K.? I just want to know that you are O.K." Nick's dark eyes looked tired.

"You're fucking kidding me, Nick. You can't seriously be asking me if I'm O.K. - you fucking prick! No - NICK! I am NOT by any stretch of the imagination even CLOSE to being O.K." Greg glared at Nick.

"I know this is a shock, Greg. I'm sorry - truly. I should have told you - I just didn't know how and..."

"Fuck you, Nick! Mother-fucker! You should have told me? Is that it? What about - you should have NOT fucked me the night you got back from your fucking engagement celebration with your Yellow Rose from Fucking Texas?!?! How about that, Nick? Maybe you should have also NOT screamed that you loved me a million fucking times after I swallowed your fucking come and buried my fucking cock in your ass! How about that? You fucking bastard. You FUCKING LIAR!"

Greg quickly got into his car, locking his door and struggling to get his key into the ignition with his trembling hands.

Nick banged on Greg's car window. "Greg - please talk to me. I'm sorry. Let me explain. Greg!"

"LIAR!" Greg screamed from inside of his car. "Stay away from me, Nick!"

"Greg - stop it. I didn't lie to you. I swear. I didn't - I just didn't tell you everything." Nick sounded demanding.

"You're a liar, Nick." Greg said, barely audible from outside of the car.

"Shut-up, Greg. You don't have a clue what you're talking about." Nick felt his face heating up and weeks of pent up rage started spilling over the edge of his emotions.

"Fuck you, Nick! Liar!" Greg finally got his key into the ignition and started his car.

"No, Greg, FUCK YOU!!" Nick punched at Greg's window. Nick's college ring connected perfectly with the glass and Greg's window shattered.

"FUCK! Nick - what the fuck is your fucking problem! I didn't do anything to you - why are you taking it out on my fucking car!" Greg looked at Nick with wide, frightened eyes.

Seeing that look on Greg's face - that mixture of pain, betrayal, fear, and heartbreak - was more than Nick could take. He didn't understand why he was suddenly so mad at Greg - but right then in that moment the only thing Nick knew is that he felt incredible rage and Greg was his target.

"Fuck me?! No, Greg, FUCK YOU - YOU FUCKING FAGGOT!!"

Greg didn't see Nick's fist coming until it connected with his cheek. Greg saw stars and felt white hot pain radiate through his skull. He grabbed his face, mouth gaping open in a silent scream. His eyes clenched in pain, rivers of tears streaming down Greg's cheeks - outside of Greg's control. Greg opened his eyes, looking directly into Nick's angry, hateful eyes.

"Jesus, Nicky. When did you start hating me so much?" Greg said in a quiet, sad, and defeated tone. Greg put his car in gear and pulled out of Nick's driveway.

Nick stood in his driveway, watching Greg's tail lights disappear into the night. Nick's heart felt like lead, his hand throbbed - which only reminded Nick of the horrible act of violence he had just perpetrated on the one person he loved most in the world. Nick heard the soft voice of the stranger he intended to marry approaching from behind him.

"Nick - are you coming in - steaks are getting cold."

"Yeah - be right there." Nick said, tears brimming his brown eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"Thanks for the ride, Sara."

"No problem, Greg. You still never said how your window got shattered?" Sara slammed her locker closed and looked at her friend.

"I guess someone thought I had something worth stealing." Greg said simply and walked toward the break room. "I need coffee - you want some?"

"No - I'm good, thanks." Sara took a seat at the table.

Tonight was Nick's night off which made Greg's night a million times better already. He was getting sick of the stress and anxiety of being around Nick. Tonight was going to be hard enough trying to keep the bruise on his cheek concealed for the entire shift. Greg decided to talk to Ecklie about switching to days - but that conversation would wait until the end of his shift - he still wanted to think about it.

Warrick walked into the break room, sat next to Sara and glared at Greg. "Way to crash a party, Psycho-Fag."

"Excuse me?" Sara said. "What's your problem, Warrick? Don't talk to Greg that way - he is still part of this team and as far as I can tell has done NOTHING that warrants that kind of behavior from you."

"Just making sure he keeps it that way, Sidle." Warrick turned his attention to Greg again. "You really need to get a grip on reality Sanders - Nick Stokes obviously wants nothing to do with you. So stop showing up uninvited."

"Since when do you speak for Nick? Maybe you're the one with the man-crush on a certain Texan." Greg stared daggers at Warrick.

"Watch yourself, Faggot." Warrick warned.

Grissom barged into the break room and Greg and Warrick put a hold on their stand-off.

"Rick - you and Sara have a DB in a dumpster on the strip. Greg, B&E on the south end. Off you go."

Greg drove the lab's Denali to the scene, lost in thought. As usual, his mind stuck on thoughts of Nick. Today he found himself reflecting on the last 40 days, specifically on the night before the 40 days began. Greg remembered feeling so close to Nick that last night. Nick sent signals that felt like forever - not goodbye. But now - knowing that Nick had found someone else - Greg understood. Nick was getting his last taste - his farewell fuck - Nick was using Greg. Greg wondered if Nick had always been using him. Greg wondered if the entire two years was a gap filler until the right girl came along. Maybe for Nick it was all about sex - getting off - getting sucked - having a willing, tight, ass to fuck regularly. Greg felt stupid for believing that a guy like Nick could ever love a skinny little fuck like Greg.

Greg realized that he had been sitting still for a long time. He was grateful for the late shift because during the day there would be many angry commuters honking at him right now.

"Get a grip, Greg." Greg said to himself. Off to his right, Greg saw some movement. From his vantage point, Greg thought he saw several people swarming around a single person on the ground. Greg rolled down the passenger window and heard screaming and the unmistakable sound of fists, feet, and blunt objects hitting a human body.

"HEY!!" Greg screamed out of the open window. "HEY, LVPD!!"

Greg turned the Denali toward the crowd and called it in. He flipped on the lights and sounded the horn, hoping that would break up the crowd. They all ran, to Greg's relief. All except one - who picked up a brick and charged the Denali. Greg stepped on the gas as a reflex. He felt the SUV slam into the masked figure. Greg was in disbelief - saying a silent prayer that he hadn't hurt the guy. As he steadied his nerves and tried to catch his breath, the back window of the Denali exploded. Suddenly all the windows shattered one-by-one and he felt himself being dragged from his seat through the driver's window. His brain didn't have time to think about what was happening to him as his body was slammed into walls and onto the ground. Feet, fists, boards, and pipes assaulted his body from all angles. Greg curled himself into a ball, placing his head into his arms, chin tucked into his chest. He couldn't hold that position for long as he felt himself drifting out of consciousness. He grabbed one of his attackers by the ankle, digging his nails into the flesh. The last thing Greg saw before he watched the bottom of a big boot slamming into his face was tails lights.

Nick's phone vibrated in his pocket as he ran his 5th mile - anything to stay away from his house and the awkwardness of having Barb in his space. He was counting down the minutes until he dropped her off at the airport in the morning. Nick stopped his run and dug his phone out of his pocket. He saw Sara's name on the screen and prayed that he was being called into work so he had a good excuse to stay away from Barb.

"Stokes."

"Nick." Sara was breathing hard.

"Sara, what's wrong?"

"Nick, can you meet Warrick at a scene? Gris, Cath, and I are tied up at the hospital." Sara said with an obvious shake in her voice.

"What's going on Sara? Is someone hurt?" Nick could feel the panic creeping into his heart.

"No one you care about, Nick. It just leaves us short and Warrick is processing a big scene alone. One DB, two critical - not sure there won't be three DBs before this is done."

Nick sensed a notable edge to Sara's tone.

"I don't have time to get into the details, Nick. Can you cover or not?" Sara barked.

"Of course - I'll be there in 30 minutes. Just give me the location."

Nick walked onto the scene and wondered if two CSIs were enough. It was chaotic. There was a huge crowd gathered. Nick saw one of the lab's Denali's, windows smashed. The DB was in front of the Denali, obvious blunt force trauma - the blunt object being the SUV. He saw several large blood pools. Nick thought that who ever belonged to that blood could not have possibly survived.

"What the hell happened? Who's ride is that?" Nick asked as he approached Warrick.

"Didn't they tell you?" Warrick looked at Nick - obviously emotionally strained.

"Tell me what?" Nick felt fear gripping his heart.

"Greg - man. You take the truck - I got this." Warrick turned back to marking blood spatter and taking pictures.

Nick stood, frozen, trying to absorb the information. Sara never mentioned Greg when she reported where the shift team had been diverted. She said the person in the hospital was no one Nick cared about. Nick walked to the Denali, looked into the glass covered cab and saw a cell phone lying on the floor. Nick took a picture before picking the phone up and looking at the screen. He felt his heart stop when he saw the background image - he and Greg stared back at him. Greg's phone.

Nick stood frozen, staring at the screen of Greg's cell phone. His mind raced with possible scenarios that included everything except the harsh reality that obviously occurred in this dank alley. Nick saw Warrick processing evidence near one of the blood pools and walked toward him.

"Rick? Where's Greg?" Nick asked with wide, frightened eyes.

Warrick looked up from his work, staring blankly at his friend.

"RICK! Where the fuck is Greg?" Nick was in full panic mode.

"Well – Nick – let's see." Warrick held up the forceps he was holding, clasped between the points of the instrument was a clump of human hair with a tiny fragment of scalp tissue still attached. "Here's part of Greg right here. And over there, there's some more of him." Warrick pointed to a very, large pool of blood with yet to be identified fragments dispersed in the congealing liquid.

"The rest of him is at the hospital, Nick. I got here first – it doesn't look good, man. I think we may be down a CSI." Warrick's cold words were not mirrored by the sadness in his eyes.

Nick felt his legs give out. Warrick quickly caught his friend underneath an arm to prevent him from falling face first into the active crime scene. "Whoa, Tex. Steady up, man."

"Wh-wh-what happened?" Nick felt the bile creep up his throat.

"From what we can tell, he was trying to save a guy from being beaten to death – and he did save a guy, actually. Greg and some tourist are the only two people to survive in the string of attacks over the last week." Warrick turned away from Nick. "At least – for now."

"Oh God…" Nick leaned down, supporting his weight by grabbing his thighs. "This can't be happening. He should have had a gun. Man, I told him he needed to carry a side arm. Damn it!" Nick was quickly becoming agitated.

"Nicky! Man – you need to get a grip. Get the truck processed so they can haul it to the garage before our scene gets trashed. The natives are restless today." Warrick indicated the forming crowd being held at bay by several police officers.

Nick did as he was told and continued to process Greg's Denali. He bagged up Greg's coffee cup, his phone, a half-eaten banana. Nick found Greg's favorite hoodie – green with a brown dragon embroidered on the back – tossed in the back seat. Glass was everywhere, and Greg's blood was smeared on the driver's side door where the broken glass had cut into his skin as he was dragged out of the broken window. Nick pulled a small piece of denim from the door and glass.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Nick's memory of the events at the crime scene are a blur. He remembers snapping pictures, pulling finger prints, packaging evidence and carefully sampling Greg's blood and tissue. Nick remembers hitting a by-stander – some punk who said something cruel about Greg. The finer details are lost in the fog of guilt and shame and utter devastation. Once the scene had been cleared, Nick raced to pick up Barb – relieved that it was time for her to fly back to Texas. He told her that he needed to stop at the hospital on the way – he just couldn't wait any longer to see Greg. Barb was – as usual – gracious and accommodating.

Nick stood on one side of a viewing window – watching Greg breath in his hospital bed. Greg was unrecognizable. He was mostly bandages, with patches of black and blue and red showing through in random locations on his broken body. He was also attached to machines and tubes and wires – Greg looked so small.

"They said that the next 24-hours are critical. If he can make it through that he has a good shot."

Nick jumped at the sound of Sara's voice. He hadn't noticed that she had joined him in the hall.

"Sara, what the hell happened?" Nick asked, his voice betrayed his emotion.

"We don't know everything. Greg called in an active assault. He hit some kid with his truck either before or during an attack on his vehicle and himself. Our best guess is that he was trying to save the guy the gang was beating before he showed up." Sara reported without looking at Nick, instead she stared through the glass at her friend.

"Why didn't he wait for backup?" Nick asked more to the universe than to Sara.

"Well - Nick - let me see if I can guess that one too. Hmmmm....maybe Greg saw some poor slob getting killed by a gang of thugs and knew that he didn't have time to wait for backup if he wanted that guy to live to see tomorrow. So, and this is just a guess, he did the only thing that people like Greg can think of doing in situations like that...he stepped up and tried to save the guy. You seem to have lost perspective when it comes to Greg, Nick. He's probably the kindest person either of us will ever know - and he's not afraid to stand up for what's right. Greg is certainly no coward - unlike you." Sara couldn't control her anger.

"What?" Nick felt so confused.

"You're a coward, Nick. I'm not sure what the whole story is - YET - but I know that you turned your back on your friend. My guess is that you found out Greg is gay and that offends your inner Texan." Sara was now looking directly at Nick.

"Greg's gay?" Nick tried his best to keep his cover intact, but again - his voice gave him away.

"Whatever, Nick. I saw the glass in your driveway last night - and this morning I picked Greg up at the body shop because, according to him, his car window was smashed in his parking lot. He was also sporting a pretty severe bruise on his face, he did a shitty job with the concealer. What was it Nick - were you pissed that the little fairy showed up and contaminated your house?" Sara knew she was being irrational and unfair, but she was so angry and so scared for Greg. "Or maybe you were pissed because your boyfriend showed up to your engagement party uninvited."

Nick stared at Sara, his eyes wide with fear. He felt like he had been caught in a trap and his heart raced as he tried to find his escape hatch. The truth was unmistakable in his eyes.

"There you are, Darlin'" Barb walked toward them, stopping to look into the viewing window as she put her arm around Nick's waist.

"Oh, dear lord! Nick! Is he dead?" Barb's question came out a little too loud and a little too easily.

Nick stood frozen, eyes still focused on Sara. He wasn't sure what he wanted more - for Sara to tell Barb what she had - obviously - guessed, finally exposing the secret that was currently ruining his life - or for Sara to cover for him. She did a little bit of both.

"Coward." Sara said evenly before turning and walking away.

"Did I interrupt something, Nick?" Barb turned to face him, her back to the window.

"No, we're all just on edge about Greg - that's all." Nick said as he looked past her, looking at Greg beyond the window. Greg's head had moved, now turned to face the window. Nick could see that one of Greg's eye's was open, just a little bit.

"I'm sorry, Nick. This must be a terrible ordeal for you." Barb embraced Nick, one hand stroking his hair.

Nick's eyes stayed focused on Greg, and as Barb pulled Nick into an embrace, Nick watched as Greg's head slowly turned to face the opposite wall. Nick's world shifted in that moment - his priorities and loyalties inverted so suddenly he felt himself loose his balance from the emotional rush.

"Barb, let's head out to the airport. There's something we need to talk about on the way." Nick pulled away from Barb's embrace and led her out of the hospital.

~*~

"So, you're telling me that you aren't in love with me because you are in love with someone else - someone you have been in love with for many years. Is that what you are telling me, Nick?" Barb's voice was calm.

"Barb, I'm sorry. I don't know what my problem is. Maybe I was so scared of commitment that I..." Nick was cut off mid-sentence.

"Darlin', if you are afraid of commitment why would you have rushed into a marriage proposal with me? That's not what you are afraid of, Nick." Barb looked at Nick, fully expecting a response.

Nick just fidgeted and tried to look everywhere except Barb's face.

"Nick, I've only known you for a month - and for most of that month we have been hundreds of miles apart. So, I am certainly no woman scorned! But, I would like some honesty from you - what are you running from Nick? WHO are you running from?" Barb reached for Nick's hand. She held it firmly.

"The thing is, I'm too much of a coward to say it out loud, Barb." Nick could feel his eyes welling up. He could hear his own voice in his head, screaming. Just say it - say it - SAY IT!!

"Nick, you are a kind, sweet man. I do care about you. I promise - whatever it is you are afraid to say - will stay between you and I." Barb squeezed Nick's hand for reassurance.

"I...the thing is...I...can't" Nick whimpered.

"It's that Greg guy, isn't it? The one who got beat up last night?" Barb asked matter-of-factly.

"Wh...wh...um...what?" Nick swallowed hard and looked at Barb with eyes wide and face red.

"Don't worry, Nick. Your secret is safe with me. But can I give you one last bit of advice before I give you back this ring and officially become your ex-fiance?"

"I guess that's the least I could do." Nick weakly smiled.

"Stop keeping secrets, Nick. If you love this guy - well - I hope you can fix whatever you messed up here. You'll never be happy unless you stop living your life for other people."

"Wouldn't I be living my life for someone else if I threw away my family for Greg?" Nick looked confused.

"I don't know. I mean - if you do actually loose your family, and you exposed yourself just for Greg's sake. Well, I guess you're right. But, I think, and this is just speculation and guessing on my part, but I think that you would be risking your family ties more for YOU than for Greg." Barb touched Nick's cheek softly.

"How do you figure?" Nick challenged.

"Did Greg ever ask you to tell your family about him?" Barb asked bluntly.

"No."

"Mmmm Hmmmm." Barb took off the modest engagement ring Nick had given her that last time they were saying good-bye at an airport. She kissed Nick on the cheek and turned to walk away. "You take care of yourself, Nick."

But, Nick didn't know how.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

"Hey, Nick." Sara greeted Nick as she walked into the locker room.

"Hey, Sara." Nick responded with no real inflection to his voice.

Sara hadn't brought up the heated exchange they shared at the hospital since it happened two weeks ago. Nick was grateful for that. Nick had been keeping up with Greg's progress by listening in on the conversations of his colleagues, all of whom have been taking turns keeping him company at the hospital. Nick was amazed by how many people loved Greg. He had expected such loyalty from Catherine and Sara. Even Grissom, but Archie, Bobby, Wendy. and Hodges were a surprise. Even Ecklie visited twice. The only people from their shift-team who hadn't stepped foot into Greg's hospital room were Warrick and himself. Nick felt an undercurrent of shame and guilt almost every second of every day.

Nick walked into the break room without any recollection of the walk to get there. This phenomenon had been happening more and more in the last two weeks.

"Hey Cath."

"Nicky! You're just in time. Sara is putting together a schedule for Greg. He's being discharged tomorrow and we are all going to take turns staying with him. He has a spare bedroom and I'm setting up my inflatable bed in there for us to use." Catherine looked at him expectantly.

"Nick won't be participating, isn't that right Nick?" Sara said with a hint of contempt.

"Why not?" Catherine glared.

"Probably for the same reason I'm not, Cath." Warrick said from the couch behind the table.

"I don't get you two. Neither of you have visited Greg, and now you won't help him when he goes home. He's our friend - or have your forgotten that?" Catherine sounded disappointed.

"Sign me up, Sara." Nick said.

"Are you serious?" Warrick huffed.

"Rick, I know you and Greg have never been the best of friends, but seriously, you're being an ass." Nick stomped out of the break room.

"Nick, wait up." Sara trailed behind.

Nick spun around to face his friend, and the only person who knew about the extent of his relationship with Greg. Well, at least she guessed some of it. Sara's face was soft, projecting empathy and concern.

"Sara. I don't want to get into this with you. Just sign me up."

"Nick, I'm not sure that's a good idea." Sara touched Nick's arm in a soothing way.

"I'm fine with it, Sara. It's O.K."

"No, Nick. It's not about you. I don't think Greg would be O.K. with it. I don't think he wants to see you, let alone have you staying at his place with him." Sara explained gently.

"Did he tell you? I mean, has he talked to you? About me? I mean..." Nick stumbled on his words.

Sara gripped Nick's forearm, "Nick. Everyone needs someone to lean on. Who do you have?"

Nick just looked at her, his eyes glassy as he fought back his urge to cry. Sara's question stabbed him in the heart. Nick suddenly realized he had no one - no one who knew enough about him to provide support - to give him a soft landing. The one person, the only person ever in his life, who knew him inside and out and loved him despite himself is Greg. And Nick had burned all the bridges that they had ever built between them.

Sara recognized Nick's pain and isolation. "Nick, will you have breakfast with me after shift?"

Nick felt a wave of relief followed by a jolt of fear. Part of him wanted, no needed, to talk to someone. The other part of him was terrified of what he needed to talk about.

"Please." Sara said, squeezing his arm.

"O.K." Nick said, almost in a whisper.

~*~

"Two Years?" Sara gasped.

"Yes, Sara - two years." Nick reiterated.

"You and Greg have been together for two years...and you never said anything." Sara snapped.

"We couldn't - well, actually I couldn't. I think Greg kind of struggled with it." Nick admitted.

"So, did he leave because he couldn't stand being your dirty little secret?" Sara leaned back in her seat and took a sip of her coffee, eye brows raised.

"I thought Greg had confided in you." Nick's brows furrowed.

"Well, he didn't exactly confide in me. One day he asked me why you hadn't been by to see him. So, I asked him to tell me what was going on between the two of you." Sara leaned forward on the table, looking Nick in the eye.

"What did he tell you?" Nick shifted in his seat uncomfortably.

"He just said that he saw something in you that felt like a promise, but he realized that he was only seeing what he wanted to see. Then he said that his delusion lost him the best friend he's ever had. Then he begged me to be nice to you." Sara's eyes bore holes into Nick's soul.

"He said that?" Nick's eyes became glossy.

"Yes. Nick - talk to me." Sara grabbed Nick's hand.

Nick could feel himself falling apart. Greg didn't think Nick ever loved him. Greg thought that he was delusional - making it up - seeing things that weren't there. How could he think that after two years? Couldn't he feel it when we were fucking? How could he not know what I felt for him?

"Nick?" Sara saw his wheels spinning.

"God, Sara. He thinks I used him. He loved me and he thinks I just used him." Nick's sunken eyes looked at Sara.

Nick spent the next 20 minutes shamefully sharing the events that have transpired since his last trip to Texas. Sara couldn't recall a time when she had ever seen her sensitive friend cry so much and look so completely lost.

"Did you love him?" Sara asked.

"YES! God, Sara. I loved him so much. I still love him so, so much. My life is so empty without him. I feel like I am walking around in pea soup most of the time." Nick opened up.

"Why haven't you told him that." Sara said,

"It's not fair, Sara. I can't be what he needs me to be." Nick looked at the napkin he was shredding.

"Nick, stop being so selfish. Geez-us, you must be an amazing fuck, because it certainly can't be your caring personality that won Greg's heart." Sara frustration was getting the best of her. "He needs to know that you are a coward who loves him. Not because you want something from him - but because he deserves to know. Honestly, Nick, you don't deserve him."

"Sara, we can't be together. Ever." Nick said as if Sara didn't get it the first time.

"Being together and giving Greg closure are two different things, Nick. You should tell him how you feel because he deserves to know. He deserves to know that this isn't his fault. He deserves to know that he didn't throw away his best friend because he misread TWO FUCKING YEARS of mixed signals. Stop being a selfish fucking coward and give Greg what he deserves." Sara stopped to take a much needed breath. "Then walk away and let him go, Nick."

"I don't know if I can, Sarah." Nick said with a warbled voice.

"What? Can't tell him how you feel or walk away?" Sarah asked.

"Both." Nick whispered.

~*~

"Nick?" Greg's battered face looked surprised.

"Hey, G." Nick said softly, still standing at the open door to Greg's hospital room.

"Wh...what are you doing here?" Greg asked, trying to keep his voice from shaking.

"I can leave." Nick offered.

"You came here to tell me you can leave?" Greg asked in a stronger tone. "I already know you can leave, Nick."

Greg meant to take a jab, to poke at Nick's tender underbelly - but he only succeeded in launching his own broken heart into his throat and tying tight knots into his gut.

"I'm sorry, G. Can I come in for a few minutes? Please?"

Greg looked at Nick, standing with one foot out of the door - just like he did for the two years they spent together. We can't really call fucking being together - can we? "You can have five minutes - and the first time you call me 'G' we are done talking."

Greg's words stung, but Nick knew he deserved so much worse - Nick knew Greg was being very generous. Nick suddenly added another layer of regret, realizing he threw away such a fair, kind person.

"Thank you, Greg." Nick walked into the room and closed the door.

Nick pulled a chair next to Greg's hospital bed and sat down. He positioned himself so that he could make eye contact with Greg without causing Greg too much discomfort. Nick took a deep breath.

"Greg." Nick didn't know where to begin. He just looked at Greg for several minutes searching for his voice.

Greg watched Nick struggle to find words. "Yes, Nick, that's my name. Was there anything else you wanted to say?"

"I want to say that I'm sorry. Greg, I'm so fucking sorry." Nick resisted the urge to crawl in the hospital bed and hold onto Greg like a life-raft.

"What are you sorry about, Nick?" Greg needed to hear it.

"I'm sorry that I walked out on you like that. I'm sorry that I made it seem like you were stalking me. I'm sorry that I put a wall between you and Rick. I'm sorry that..." Nick was interrupted.

"Did you love me, Nick? I mean I appreciate that you are owning your shit - because you certainly have a lot of shit to own with me. But can we just start from the beginning? Did you EVER love me?" Greg held Nick's eyes.

"Greg. We were together for two years. What do you think?" Nick felt as if he had been punched in the stomach and he completely lost focus.

"That's not really an answer, Nick. It's a very simple yes or no question." Greg remained calm and cool.

Nick sat frozen, his heart and soul screamed at his brain. Say It! Say It! Tell him! But Nick didn't say it.

"Maybe it would help you articulate your feelings if I had your cock in my mouth. Would that help, Nick? Or better yet - give me a couple of minutes and I think I can manage to get positioned so you can fuck me. Because, really, when I think about it - it wasn't the blow-job that brought out the 'I love you' - it was only when you had your cock buried in my ass. Except for that last time - that last time it was my cock buried in your ass." Greg fumed.

"Stop talking about it like that..." Nick was again interrupted.

"What's wrong, Nick? Can't talk about it? I forgot about that. The deeds that shall never be spoken. That's what we had together. With Rick it was football and video games. With me it was fucking. Of course our 'guys nights' were kept under wraps. Let me tell you something, Nick. While you were busy getting off - I was busy falling in love with you. I was your fuck buddy - you were my boyfriend. When you said that you loved me - I took it to heart, Nick. When I said that I loved you - it was because I LOVED YOU. Nick - god - I really thought I meant something to you - I thought we had something - you know? How could I have fucked this up so bad?"

"What?" Nick's eye brows arched. "Greg - you didn't fuck anything up."

"Did you fuck her in Texas?" Greg asked pointedly.

Nick didn't say anything, which gave Greg his answer.

"Shit, Nick. I didn't use a condom. I trusted you. You asked me to fuck you without protection - after you had just fucked her. GEEZ-US NICK! What am I to you? Don't you care even a little?" Greg's swollen eyes brimmed with tears.

"Greg, I just wanted to be close to you. I wasn't really thinking about anything else." Nick confessed.

"Obviously. You certainly weren't thinking about me at all. How many others were there?" Greg asked calmly.

Nick was again speechless.

"Just fucking tell me, Nick. How many other women did you fuck while you were pretending to be my boyfriend?"

"I wasn't pretending..."

"HOW MANY!?" Greg screamed.

Nick's eyes grew wide with the shock of Greg's outburst. "I...um...they were just...I didn't even know their names...it was just...I..."

"You don't even know how many, do you?" Greg's tears were flowing freely. "I'm such an idiot. Oh my god, Nick. Is this what you think being gay is? Seriously? Do you think I don't have feelings? Do you think I am incapable of loving someone - of needing to be loved - of needing to feel safe and secure and special. Do you think that being gay means not needing exclusivity? Do you know me at all? Or is it that you just don't care?"

"This isn't how this was supposed to go, Greg?"

"I'm sorry I can't give you what you need, Nick." Greg rested against the pillow and closed his eyes. He felt exhausted and open and very, very vulnerable. The revelations weighed him down and a tiny part of him wished that he would have died in that alley.

"Greg, I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry, that none of this was your fault, that I am a coward. I do love you, Greg. I do. I've loved from the moment I first met you. I just can't be with you, Greg. Being with you scares the fuck out of me. I should have been honest about that. I shouldn't have let us happen - and continue to happen. All the women - they were just how I kept my head above water, Greg. I was drowning in you." Nick's eyes were red and wet.

"Please leave, Nick."

"Greg, I need you to understand."

"Nick, I'm sorry, but I can't give you what you need."


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

"Stokes." Nick answered his cell phone.

"Hey, Nicky. Can you do me a huge favor?"

"Sure Cath." Nick said. "Do you need me at the lab?"

"No, Nicky. I actually need you to come sit with Greg. Lindsey needs me - she got sick at school. You're the only one not working tonight. Do you think you could help out?"

Nick forgot to breathe.

"Nicky? You still there?" Catherine said with an edge.

"Sorry, Cath. Um...did you tell Greg you were calling me?"

Nick heard Catherine's exasperated breath on the other end of the line, "Look - Nick - can you do it or not?"

"Yeah - yeah - um - of course, give me 20-minutes." Nick said as he grabbed his shoes.

"I don't have 20-minutes. Greg's asleep - so I'll leave a key under the mat and..."

"I have a key - don't worry about it." Nick interrupted.

"You do?" Catherine said in a confused tone.

"Uh," Nick swallowed hard, "yeah, I do - I'll explain later."

Less than 20-minutes later, Nick slipped his key into Greg's lock, a gesture so familiar and so foreign at the same time. He felt a mixture of guilt and longing, with a layer of regret over the top of it all. Nick quietly entered Greg's apartment and looked around the familiar surroundings with a heavy heart. The air smelled like Greg and coffee - which were really so much a part of each other that Nick's heart always ached when he smelled coffee.

Nick didn't see Greg in the living room, though the television was on with a very low volume. Nick walked down the hall and peeked into Greg's bedroom. Greg was asleep, on his back, with his mouth gaping open and a pillow underneath one hip to support his injured back. Greg's face was still almost unrecognizable, his arm in a cast up to his elbow, his body covered in a colorful array of injuries.

Nick wanted to touch - he craved it. But instead, he respectfully stood in the doorway and watched Greg sleep. "So beautiful."

Greg's eyes opened at the sound of Nick's voice.

"Shit." Nick whispered. "Didn't mean to say that out loud, Greg. I'm sorry I woke you."

"I'm a very, very light sleeper these days. What the fuck are you doing here?" Greg said without taking a pause.

"Cath had a childcare emergency and I was the only one available. So - here I am. But no worries, Greg. I will stay out of your way unless you need me." Nick said softly.

"I don't want to need you, Nick." Greg said flatly.

"I know." Nick sighed. "I'm sorry - but I'm all you got until the next shift."

"Shit." Greg closed his eyes and sighed.

"So, can I get you anything? Cath left before I got here, so I don't know the routine." Nick asked, keeping his tone light and soft.

"I'm fine. You can go, Nick. I really don't need a babysitter." Greg said without looking at Nick.

"Can't do that, Greg. We are stuck together." Nick replied.

"Please." This time Greg looked at Nick. "Please, Nick. Go away."

Nick saw nothing but pain in Greg's eyes. "Fuck, Greg. I really hurt you, didn't I?"

Greg couldn't help it, he laughed.

"Nick, do you know what it was like? Not just the fucked up ending - but the entire two years that we were - what were we exactly? Do you realize that the first time I stepped foot into your house was the night I met your future wife? You never let me come in. You never invited me to your bed, Nick. We never went to a movie, or to dinner. The only time we went out was if we were going to a breakfast with the team. We never drove to work together - even on those rare occasions when we would both wake up in my bed. Every time - every single time - that you allowed 'I love you' to slip out of your mouth you would disappear for days. I would see you at work, but you would run out early and show up late and your phone would go right to voicemail...for days. That's when you fucked women, huh?"

Nick looked away from Greg's anguished eyes.

"Yeah - that's what I thought. Yes - Nick - you really hurt me. But I've been letting you hurt me for two years - I just didn't know it."

"I'll be watching TV, just yell if you need anything." Nick turned to walk away.

"Walk away when it gets hard, Nick. You're so good at that." Greg said, almost too soft to hear.

Nick cringed at the truth of it.

~*~

"Greg - wake up. Come on baby - you're having a nightmare." Nick stood next to Greg's bed, carefully touching his back to wake him.

Greg thrashed and screamed while slowly coming out of the nightmare. He grabbed Nick's neck and pulled him onto the bed, clinging to Nick and holding on tight as his mind adjusted to reality.

"Shhh....shhhh. You're OK, Greg. You're safe. It's me, Baby. You're safe." Nick said in a calm voice while he stroked soothing circles on Greg's back with one hand. Nick ran his fingers through Greg's sweaty hair with his other hand, continuing to whisper comforting words into Greg's ear.

As Greg slowly woke up, he felt the warmth and solid muscles of Nick. Greg smelled Nick's comforting smell, heard his soothing words - and for a few seconds Greg forgot that Nick isn't his soft place to land on. Greg pushed himself away from the warm safe-zone of Nick's physical presence and Greg's own naive memories.

"Greg, please, let me be here for you." Nick said as he pulled Greg back into his arms.

"I can't do this with you - I can't be what you need..." Greg said through tears.

"I don't want anything from you Greg - I just want to be here for you. Let me be here for you, Greg." Nick pulled Greg into a tight embrace.

Greg relaxed and allowed himself to settle into the safe feeling of having strong arms holding him, hearing the steady heartbeat of Nick, smelling him and feeling protected. Greg decided it would be OK to use Nick's body tonight - Nick used his for years after all.

Nick felt Greg's body relax. Nick held Greg with one arm around his body, one arm holding his head tightly to his chest, fingers clutching Greg's sweat-soaked hair. Nick inhaled Greg's scent. Once he heard the steady rhythm of Greg's breathing and the familiar sounds of Greg's adorable sleeping noises, Nick kissed Greg's hair three times and whispered, "I love you, G."

~*~

Nick woke up three hours later in Greg's bed. The weight of Greg on his body felt familiar and heart breaking. Greg's head rested on Nick's chest, his cast-covered arm rested on his waist. One of Greg's legs was slung on top of Nick's. Nick felt the heat of Greg's steady breathing on his chest and he could feel the heat of his own tears trickle down his face.

Greg woke up to an empty bed. The memories of the night before flooded his brain, causing him momentary heartache as he felt abandoned all over again. He quickly scolded himself for being so weak, He was just being nice, he's not your boyfriend - he never was. As soon as his thoughts had pulled himself out of the self pity, Greg saw Nick, wearing only boxer briefs and an A&M t-shirt - carrying two cups of coffee into the bedroom.

"I found your Blue Hawaiian." Nick said cheerily as he handed a cup to Greg.

"Wow - this is a treat. Thanks." Greg said in a friendly tone, gratefully taking the cup from Nick.

"What are you talking about Greg? We used to have coffee in bed every morning that we woke up together." Nick insisted.

"Yeah - but YOU never brought ME coffee." Greg reminded.

"Sure I did." Nick corrected.

"Nope, not once. Maybe you have me confused with one of your girls - or maybe Barb - I'm sure you doted on her quite a bit." Greg snapped.

"Um..."

"God, Nick, that was fucked up. I'm sorry....."

"No, Greg, don't apologize - I'm pretty sure I deserved that. Every day I discover another layer of what a prick I was to you. If I could go back in time, god Greg, things would be so different." Nick said with sincerity.

Greg and Nick sat quietly for a few moments, just looking at each other.

"We can't go back in time, Nick." Greg said in a sad tone.

"I know." Nick said, brushing the hair from Greg's eyes.

"I'm going to hop in the shower. Do you mind helping me put this cast in a plastic bag?" Greg asked shyly.

"That's what I'm here for!"

~*~

Nick began taking regular shifts. Soon, Nick was volunteering to take on extra shifts - spending as much time with Greg as he could.

Greg wasn't complaining. He enjoyed the comfort of being with Nick. Greg looked forward to the long talks - Nick's confessions and apologies. Greg shared openly - giving Nick a complete picture of how painful life can be with a selfish closet-case. Greg was also learning a lot about Nick. The depth of his love and the depth of his fear. Greg learned that behind Nick's firewalls was a caring, nurturing man with enormous capacity for love.

They processed their time together at great length. Greg's denial - sacrificing himself to hang onto the man he loved secretly for so many years. Greg realized that when he finally caught Nick, he was incapable of letting him go. Nick pined away for Greg for almost as many years, however - when he finally let Greg catch him, he tricked himself into believing that Greg was merely scratching an itch. Admitting to being in love was more than Nick's fear-filled soul could comprehend.

Greg was also letting go of his fears, understanding more of Nick's motivation and seeing how Nick was learning to accept himself and his feelings for men, in general, and Greg in particular. As Greg got more and more trusting, he began to want more and more from Nick. Greg began to look forward to Nick's visits and he began to laugh again.

When Greg went back to work, Warrick was the first person he ran into. They met in the locker room and Greg's mind flashed back to the last time he and Warrick were in this room together, Greg could almost feel his head slamming against the locker.

"Hey, Greg. Welcome back, man." Warrick said with genuine warmth.

"Thanks, Rick. It's good to be back. My walls were starting to talk back to me!" Greg tried to keep it light.

"Yeah, man. I think I would have gone bat-shit ten times over by now." Warrick slapped Greg on the shoulders and saw the man visibly flinch.

"Oh, shit, man. I'm sorry." Warrick apologized.

"Hey! It's fine. I'm just still a little jumpy - that's all." Greg attempted to let Warrick off the hook

"No - Greg. I mean I'm sorry. Nick told me what he did. You know - I don't care about the gay thing. I'm sorry I called you a fag, man. I just thought you were - well, I believed Nick's shit - you know? I get it now, man. Nick was fucked up and so was I." Warrick placed a friendly hand on Greg's shoulder.

"N...Nick told you?" Greg asked, astonished.

"Yeah, Greg. Nick told me. He's an asshole - but that fucking asshole loves you, man. He knows he fucked up and he's trying to make it right. And so am I." Warrick held out his hand, "We OK?"

Greg looked into Warrick's sincere green eyes and felt himself let go. Greg took Warrick's hand and shook it eagerly. "Yeah, Rick, we're OK."

~*~

"G...?" Nick said from the doorway to the locker room. Every time he used Greg's nickname his heart swelled with love and appreciation. It was one more indicator that Greg was learning to trust.

"Nicky?" Greg said, his voice cracking from grief.

Nick crossed the space between himself and the man slumped on the bench at the end of the locker room. He pulled Greg into his arms. Greg allowed himself to be pulled and then he cried.

"What's wrong, G?" Nick asked.

"Trial." Greg cried.

"Your testimony was rough?" Nick held Greg tighter and kissed his head.

"Yeah. But the media frenzy was worse, and then his mom called me a murderer." Greg sobbed.

"Oh, G - Baby you're not a murderer." Nick soothed.

Greg pulled away from Nick so he could look at him. Nick saw the anguish in Greg's eyes and felt his heart break.

"Nicky - I killed a kid! Everyone knows it. He's dead, a mother lost her son, because of me. Fuck!"

Nick grabbed Greg's face with both hands and looked deep into Greg's eyes. "G, you saved a life. You almost died trying to save a life. You didn't mean for anyone to die. He made choices that resulted in his death. He did that, Greg. You're not a murderer. You're not. If anything - you're a hero."

Greg tried to believe him. He almost believed him. "Nicky..." Greg needed to believe him. "...kiss me."

Nick saw it in Greg's eyes. He knew that Greg needed reassurance, proof of life, evidence that he was not that person people believed him to be. Nick closed the space between them and pressed his lips onto Greg's. He knew the kiss wasn't about desire, it was about Greg being worth kissing. It was evidence of Greg's goodness. Nick could give him that much.

The day Greg learned of the settlement was even worse. Nick heard it through the grapevine. He had just come in from a double, spending most of the 16-hours in the middle of the Nevada desert, baking in the sun while processing a mass grave. He was covered in sweat and dirt and salty patches of residue. He was exhausted. Nick was heading for the showers when he heard Hodges calling him to the trace lab.

"Hey, Hodges, you got something for me?" Nick asked politely.

"No - not yet. I was just wondering what you thought about the settlement."

"What are you talking about? I'm tired and gross, so if you want to play a guessing game - find another playmate." Nick was not in the mood.

"You didn't hear? They settled the James case - over 2 million dollars. Can you believe it? Your - whatever he is to you - cost the department 2 MILLION! I wonder when he'll get his pink slip..."

Nick walked away while Hodges was still speaking. Nick forgot all about his exhaustion and how disgusting he felt, he could only think of Greg.

Nick poked his head into a processing room, "Cath - have you seen Greg?"

"Gris sent him home. He was pretty upset, Nicky." Catherine said with her motherly tone.

"I'm on my way." Nick said as he ran from the lab.

Nick let himself into Greg's apartment after knocking for over five minutes with no response. The apartment was completely dark except for the glow coming from Greg's fish tank. Nick could see Greg sitting on his couch, knees drawn up to his chest. Even in the ambient light - Nick could see that Greg had been crying for a long time.

"G, I just heard." Nick kneeled on the floor in front of Greg.

"They don't believe me, Nick. My own department threw me under the bus." Greg said so softly Nick could barely hear him.

"Greg, sweetie, it as just a matter of economics. It doesn't mean they don't believe you."

"But that's what it means. When people see that they settled they are going to assume that I'm guilty. They are going to believe that I'm a racist. That I meant to kill him." Greg looked at Nick with big, cartoon eyes.

"I would hug you, but I really stink." Nick said with a cautious smile.

"I don't care."

"G, 16-hours in 110 degrees - are you sure?" Nick grinned, trying to pull a smile from Greg.

"I've been crying like a baby for four hours, all snotty and drooley." Greg said through a tiny smile.

"Hell, G, that don't matter to me." Nick replied.

"I really need to touch you, Nicky." Greg said seriously.

"I need that too, Baby." Nick pulled Greg off of the couch and into his arms, sitting on the floor with Greg sitting between his legs.

Greg held onto Nick, his face buried in Nick's neck. Greg took a deep breath, savoring the scent of Nick - magnified by hard work and heat. "I think you smell good."

"I think you must still have a lingering head wound." Nick chuckled.

"Just hold me, Nicky. I just want to feel safe." Greg tightened his hold.

Nick leaned against the couch and pulled Greg to his chest, "I got you, G. I got you."

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

"Thanks for the ride, Nick." Greg turned to face Nick before he unlocked the door to his apartment. "You want to come in? I have eggs and Eggos."

"Coffee?" Nick asked with a smirk.

"Are you seriously asking me if I have coffee? Seriously?" Greg grinned.

"Do I have to pick one or the other or can I have both eggs and Eggos?" Nick teased.

"So, am I bargaining for your company now, Stokes?" Greg bantered.

"Just open the fucking door and give me my waffle." Nick grumbled.

Once inside, Greg tossed his keys on the table and started the coffee. He pulled waffles from the freezer and eggs from the fridge.

"You never told me what's wrong with your car." Nick asked, leaning against the counter next to Greg.

"The window keeps getting stuck." Greg hoped he could leave it at that.

"Window? It wouldn't happen to be the window I shattered, would it?" Nick asked.

Greg turned to face Nick. "Can we not talk about that?"

"Greg, we can't avoid all the bad stuff. I thought we were trying to build something better, a friendship based on honesty and respect. That should include talking about the bad stuff - it keeps us from repeating past mistakes - you know what I mean?" Nick tipped Greg's chin up so they were eye to eye.

"Yeah, Nicky, I know what you mean. I just don't want to talk about that right now. O.K.?" Greg implored with his eyes. "How do you want your eggs?"

Nick smiled, reassuringly, "Scrambled. I'll do the waffles."

~*~

"I'm stuffed!" Nick said as he stretched. "Thanks for breakfast, G. I think I'll head home and get some shut-eye."

"You can sleep here." Greg said quickly before scampering into the kitchen with the dirty dishes.

"I'm not sure that's such a good idea." Nick said.

Greg grabbed the syrup and butter and turned to put them in the fridge. "Why not?"

"Because it's getting harder and harder to keep my hands off of you, G." Nick replied honestly.

Greg turned to look at Nick, who was still sitting in a chair at the kitchen table. Greg stepped toward Nick, swung one leg over Nick's lap, and straddled him. Greg grabbed Nick's face, "Maybe I don't want you to keep your hands off of me."

Nick's hands slipped under Greg's shirt, his fingers gliding along the webs of the scars on Greg's back. "G..."

"Shhhh..." Greg whispered into Nick's lips. "Nicky, don't over think this. You want it. I want it. Let's just go with what we want."

"G..."

Greg stopped Nick with a searing kiss. Greg's fingers carded through Nick's hair, pulling Nick deeper into the kiss. Nick's arms wrapped around Greg's torso, pulling their bodies together until they were touching each other from shoulder to groin. Greg rocked into Nick, grinding their stiffening cocks together. Greg wrapped one arm around Nick's shoulders - keeping one hand firmly planted on Nick's face and neck. The kiss had became breathy and deep, all tongues and teeth and heat. They both sucked in air through their noses so they could keep themselves joined at the mouths for as long as possible.

Greg finally broke from the kiss, placing his forehead onto Nick's Greg looked into Nick's eyes, seeing desire looking back at him. His hips were moving on pure instinct, grinding into Nick with the rhythm of a lover.

"Nicky, god, Nicky this feels so fucking good." Greg groaned into Nick's bruised, hungry lips.

"Yes..." Nick captured Greg's mouth, tightening his hold on Greg, pushing Greg's shirt higher on his back.

"Nick...Nicky....I want you. So much. Please..." Greg moaned between breathless kisses.

Nick pulled himself away from Greg's lips just long enough to pull Greg's shirt over his head. As soon as he tossed Greg's shirt across the room Nick crashed his lips into Greg's again - his tongue diving into Greg's mouth.

"Baby...you taste so good." Nick said, moving from Greg's mouth to his neck to his shoulders.

"Oh, Nicky..." Greg moaned, arching his back, offering more of himself to Nick.

Nick's mouth moved over the skin of Greg's chest, savoring the flavor of Greg's flesh. Nick's heart swelled with grateful pleasure - his love for Greg overwhelming his senses.

Nick suddenly felt Greg's body shake.

"G?" Nick tried to look into Greg's eyes, but Greg hid himself in Nick's neck.

"G...baby, what's wrong?" Nick asked gently, his fingers stroking gently along Greg's spine.

"Please, Nick, don't stop. Please." Greg begged, his voice giving away the fact that Greg was crying.

"Greg - look at me - please, just look at me."

Greg looked into Nick's eyes with his own full of tears. "I just want to be us again."

"I do too, Greg. So, so much. But I want us to be a better version of the us we used to be. I promise you that we will get there, G. I promise." Nick kissed Greg softly. "But when we do, I want it to be perfect for both of us, Greg. I want you to have it all this time. I don't want you to be afraid that I'll disappear."

"How did you..."

"Because I remember every shitty thing I ever did to you G." Nick pulled Greg close and held him.

"You're off tonight?" Nick asked.

"Yeah." Greg said with his face buried in Nick's neck.

"Me too. How about dinner and a movie." Nick asked.

Greg pulled himself out of Nick's embrace so he could look at him, "Are you asking me out on a date, Stokes?"

"Yeah - I think that's exactly what I'm doing."

"Cool."

"I'm going to go home and get some sleep. I'll pick you up tonight, I'll call you later so we can decide on a movie." Nick kissed Greg's neck.

~*~

Greg woke an hour before his alarm feeling rested and giddy. He stretched out his tired muscles and jumped from his bed, heading for the kitchen to make coffee. Greg was looking forward to the Cirque show. He and Nick had been going to many dates over the last several weeks and Greg can't remember ever feeling so happy.

Greg had also been slowly discovering the many ways Nick had been making things right. Nick came clean to Grissom, resulting in a rare apology from Greg's mentor. Sarah and Catherine were also informed of Nick's affection for Greg. Greg was touched by Nick's gestures, mostly because he knew how hard it was for Nick to come out. But also because Nick was doing it for all the right reasons. They weren't having sex - so Nick's motivations were strictly about his love for Greg. There was something about that that made Greg's tiny bit of lingering doubt melt away.

After Greg had the coffee started, he turned to head back to the shower until he saw something on his kitchen counter that had not been there the night before.

Greg picked up an envelope that had been placed on top of a CD. The envelope read: Please play this song as you read this letter.

Greg recognized Nick's careful, perfect penmanship. Greg placed the CD into the small CD player he kept in the kitchen. He immediately recognized the tune, it was Hoobastank - The Reason. Greg opened the envelope and pulled out a hand written letter as the song played.

I'm not a perfect person

There's many things I wish I didn't do

But I continue learning

I never meant to do those things to you

And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know

G - Hopefully you are listening to a song right now. I heard this and it resonated so profoundly that I had to copy it for you. The absolute perfection of the band's name is not lost on me. Hoobastank? It couldn't be more perfect for my goofy G! The lyrics say so much - everything I haven't been able to articulate myself. G, There's many things I wish I didn't do. I never meant to do those things to you.

I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

and the reason is you

Over these last few months I have learned so much about myself. I have learned so much about you. And I have learned so much about us. I know what I want now, G. I know where my heart belongs. Where it has always belonged - I was just too afraid to give it to you completely before.

I'm sorry that I hurt you

It's something I must live with every day

And all the pain I put you through

I wish that I could take it all away

And be the one who catches all your tears

That's why I need you to hear

G - I want to spend the rest of my life making up for every bit of pain I've caused you. I want to spend the rest of my life showing you how special you are - how much I love and adore you - how fucking amazing you are. From the first moment I saw you - my world spun faster, my days were full of light and wonder. You gave me a reason to smile, a reason to breathe, a reason to wake up every morning. If you let me - I'll show you every single day how grateful I am to have you. Will you let me?

I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

and the reason is you

I'm not a perfect person

I never meant to do those things to you

And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

and the reason is you

I want to be the man you deserve. I want to be the man you have inspired me to be. I want to the the man you have always dreamed of. For the rest of my life. Will you let me?

I've found a reason to show

A side of me you didn't know

A reason for all that I do

And the reason is you

Please G, trust me, trust this. You are my reason, Greg. It's always been you. And now I can show you.

You are my heart. I love you.

- Nicky

Greg was at Nick's front door within twenty minutes. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest. Greg knocked on Nick's door a little too loudly - his adrenaline coursing through his veins - his body begging for friction and heat and Nick, Nick, Nick.

Nick woke from a deep sleep, trying to understand the noise he was hearing. It took a minute to realize that someone was pounding on his front door. Nick pulled his body off of the couch, still heavy with sleep, had stomped his way to the door.

The door opened and Greg had to remind himself to breathe. Nick stood in the doorway wearing nothing but tight, grey boxer briefs. Greg felt his cock jump in his baggy sweat pants. Nick's hair was sticking up in all directions and his face was adorably groggy.

"Greg?" Nick said in a hoarse, morning voice that made Greg's heart melt.

"I forgot how fucking adorable you are in the morning, Nicky. I used to love to fuck you when you woke up - it was about the only time you let me have some control." Greg stated boldly. He noticed that Nick's own cock was responding to Greg's early morning declarations.

"Shit, Greg. You're fucking me with your eyes - do you know that?" Nick's eyes were two shades darker.

Greg lunged for Nick, throwing his arms around Nick's neck, pressing their bodies together, crashing their mouths together.

"Nick (kiss) you letter was (kiss) fucking amazing (kiss)."

"G - fuck - Greg - oh god..." Nick sucked in a gasping breath when he felt Greg's hand plunge beneath his boxer briefs, grabbing his hard cock and squeezing in a demanding way.

"Fuck - Nicky - you feel so good - I've missed you so much - I've missed this so fucking much." Greg's mouth was everywhere at once. He couldn't taste enough of Nick's skin.

"Want you..." Nick gasped, pulling Greg's loose fitting sweat pants away from his hips.

Suddenly there was a voice from behind them, coming from the direction of Nick's bedroom.

"Nicky?" A small woman stood in the hall wearing a pair of Nick's boxers and his prized A&M t-shirt. "What time is it?"

Greg stood frozen, his hand still wrapped around Nick's cock. He couldn't move, he couldn't breathe, he couldn't speak. He could only feel the sensation of the elephant sitting on his chest. He felt that familiar heart break - shatter - that he only associates with Nick.

Nick realized that they were standing in a compromising position and he quickly pulled Greg's hand from his cock before pulling Greg's sweat pants up.

"Did we wake you, Missy?" Nick asked the striking woman who had just come from his bedroom.

"I heard someone pounding on the door. Who are you?" The woman named Missy asked Greg.

"Missy, this is Gr..."

"DON'T!" Greg screamed. "Don't you dare, Nick. You will not introduce me to your girlfriend."

Greg backed away from Nick, eye's quickly filling with tears, his face looking anguished and broken.

"What? No, G - it's not what you think." Nick moved toward Greg.

"Don't touch me, Nick. God - I'm such a fucking IDIOT!" Greg turned, yanked the door open and ran.

Nick ran after him, not caring that he was only wearing his underwear - he just wanted to get to Greg and fix this.

"G - please, baby. Slow down. Let me explain." Nick pleaded with Greg.

Greg spun around once he reached his car - the feeling of deja vu ripping him apart from the inside out.

"No, Nick. You don't need to explain. Seriously, we didn't have a commitment. We weren't even fucking for fuck's sake. You are a free man, Nick. You can fuck who ever you want. The only thing I ask of you is that this time you don't break my fucking car window - it's still fucked up from the last time one of your women surprised me."

Greg got into his car, revved his engine and squealed away.

Nick stood in his driveway trying to wrap his mind around what just happened.

One hour later it was Nick knocking on Greg's door. After 10 minutes, Nick used his key. He found Greg sitting in the corner of his living room, on the floor, curled into a small bundle of devastation. Nick felt his own heart break when he saw how badly he had hurt Greg - again.

"Greg, I want to introduce you to my sister. Missy, this is my...hopefully, my boyfriend Greg."

Greg looked up from his hiding place on the floor. "Sister?" He said in a hoarse voice.

"Yes, G. Missy is my sister. Her connecting flight was cancelled, so she got stuck here without her luggage." Nick explained.

"She's your sister?" Greg asked, disbelief still showing in his tone.

"Missy - who are your parents?" Nick asked.

"Judge and Jillian Stokes. From Dallas." Missy answered.

"What does Dad call me?" Nick asked.

"Pancho. Which I still think is a freaky thing to call you." Missy answered.

Nick looked at Greg, eye brows raised. "Sister, G."

Greg slowly stood, walked across the room, and threw himself into Nick's arms. Nick felt the tremors of Greg's body as he sobbed. Nick stroked Greg's back, trying to sooth him.

"G, baby, I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. I'm sorry that I treated you so badly that your first assumption is that I ran from you again. I promise, G - I promise to do everything in my power to change that. Will you let me?" Nick spoke softly into Greg's ear.

Greg grabbed Nick's face and pulled him into a crushing kiss. "She's your sister."

"Yeah, G - my sister. You're all I need - there will never be anyone else - I promise."

Greg kissed Nick again, this time with an undertone of 'fuck me now.'

Nick tossed his keys to Missy, "You better get going Missy or you'll be late."

Missy caught the keys, confused for a second before she understood that her brother wants to be alone with his man. "Right, Greg it was good to meet you, but I need to get to the, um, store. Nick, will I see you later?"

"Not sure, Miss," Nick said as he looked longingly into Greg's eyes.

"OK then, later." Missy let herself out.

Greg captured Nick's mouth and started pushing him toward the bedroom. "You're letting her drive your truck?"

"Yeah." Nick said before biting Greg's neck and pulling off his shirt.

Greg maneuvered Nick out of his pants before they reached the threshold of the bedroom door. "Wow - it must be love if you're letting her drive your precious truck"

"Oh, it's love alright - I love you G, so so much - I love you. (kiss) I love you. (kiss)..."

FIN


End file.
